A MEMORY; DESPAIR
When a moment of despair had reached my life, it was a moment where I did not know how to react. My life turned from laughing at my uncle and taking selfies with my aunt, to finding out by a Facebook status that my grandma had taken her last breath in Germany during the early hours of Ramadan. My hope that everything would be okay was destroyed. My hope that God would create strength inside of my grandma to fight harder was broken. My hope that I could show my grandma how I've changed from my crazy young self to a mature woman was erased. The strength God gave my grandma was not the strength to fight, but the strength to let go. She was holding on because she was waiting for my mother to be by her side. My grandma took her last breath as a sign of her strength. As she was able to understand she was passing on to the hereafter, knowing this was a peaceful goodbye.
My Ramadan was spent making Duha every minute and hour praying. Praying that this wont be the moment where my mother would lose her symbol of life (her mom) because I couldn't bare the sight of losing mine. I couldn't bare knowing and understanding that all life comes to an end and the moment where I would tear up even thinking about was happening to my mother. My hope was destroyed when my grandma passed away because I thought my prayers should have helped her fight harder. My realization now is that my prayers were answered, they were answered in the way of God giving my grandma the strength and courage to let go. Knowing my grandma accepted what was given to her allowed me to understand the bigger message within it all.
The message of knowing nothing lasts forever but the moments that you, as an individual, have with your mother will last forever even if life in this world doesn't.
I'll always remember the moment where my hope for the world was gone, but returned to me. It was returned to me through my best friend, my grandpa. This happened when I was in the living room crying and my grandpa suddenly sits beside me. He tells me to look at him and wipes my tears and says "your tears and sadness will not change anything. Your tears will not change what has happened, but your Duha and being able to forgive your grandma will benefit her in the hereafter. You need to just make Duha that is all she needs right now." After hearing that in that moment I stopped crying and ever since my Duhas have been for her and forever for her.
I love you Dapir & Im still forever making Duha for you. Insha'Allah har jehê ta bahsht bît ♥
Check out my first post I wrote about my grandma called; "FINAL RETURN HOME"